User blog:Haegemonia/Gorvar and Haegemonia's Dead Space: Downfall Review, Part One of Three
Hey guys, BIG update today! For the past two or three years, Gorvar and I have been periodically working on a review of Dead Space: Downfall; today, I'm pleased to say that we've finally completed the first third of it and are posting it for your viewing pleasure. Now, thankfully, we don't expect future installments should take even a thirtieth as long as one, so you can expect more (relatively) soon. So, without further ado: GORVAR AND HAEGEMONIA'S DEAD SPACE: DOWNFALL REVIEW, PART ONE OF THREE Haegemonia: And we begin this grand story with this unfortunate woman who not only seems to be so mentally deficient /hung over that she forgot how recordings work, but also has a solid mass of bone comprising what should be her teeth. Haegemonia: To her credit though, she has the mental capacity to talk- and apparently do nothing else. Seriously, it seems she can only coordinate blinking and speaking into the camera, no body movements. She is either the result of a three month meth bender or she is the result of a mother who was on a three month meth bender while pregnant; either way, she should be wearing a helmet. Gorvar: Feels more like she's doing a blog and post it on Ishimurabook. Imagine the replies on that one. :Vincent: The Ishimura must be destroyed. -1000 dislike- :Phil: Uuuurgh. -like- :Isaac: Did I miss something, lol? :Lexinne: Nah. :Mercer: No, come on in! :Bob: uurgh! Haegemonia: Still trying to figure out what the fuck is going on with her mouth... Maybe she’s gritting her teeth so hard they’ve fused together; it would explain her “Jack Bauer” loud whispering. She just got done torturing some terrorist Necromorph who threatened the freedom of AMUR-ICA. Gorvar: How does one waterboard a Necromorph? Dudes don't need air! Haegemonia: How should I know how they torture them? How can an ultra-liberal, alcoholic Canadian be a super-conservative, heroin-addicted American secret agent? Some things will remain a mystery. Y'know, like fucking magnets. Haegemonia: Here we get a nice shot of “PLANET OMINOUS NAME-RANDOM NUMBER” in the “IMPOSING NAME SYSTEM”. Seriously, in the future, do we all name the planets like futuristic Gothic castles? Haegemonia: “Yep, I’m just heading up to DRACULA-22 out in the TRANSYLVANIA system in my old ’76 Vista Space Cruiser with my teenage friends, where hopefully we can have lots of wild sex and not be horribly murdered by anything there.” Gorvar: They might be how they actually named the planet, but most would've called it 'Shithole VII' or went obscure and called it 'Tatooine'. Haegemonia: I believe "Shithole VII" is actually one of Detroit's nicknames. Haegemonia: Also, I would like to note that I am absolutely livid about the massive scientific inaccuracies we are seeing here: First off, the chances of finding a solid planet in a binary star system are astronomical and, what’s more, it would be virtually impossible for such a planet to sustain an atmosphere. Second a planet with a gravity approximately equal to 1 G would be utterly unable to sustain a ring of debris like that with such a small radius. I mean, it’s like these artists never even studied basic astrophysics! Gorvar: To be quite honest this planet makes more sense then lets say a Halo ring. Besides a planet full of Vampires, awesum! I call dibs! Haegemonia: It’s good to see that, despite living there for two years, the people of the Aegis VII colony have had neither the motivation nor the creativity to give their colony a name other than its official designation. It’s like naming your country after the continent you’re located on; basically, the Aegis VII colony is the Australia of space. Especially when you consider that everything native to both places seems intent on killing you. Gorvar: I thought there was no native life on this rock? So how can something come to kill them? Well perhaps space pirates. Haegemonia: Yeah, yeah, you damn kids and your extra-planetary Vikings and whatnot. You damn well know I mean the Necromorphs when I said "Native Life". Sure, you could say the Necromorphs aren't native to that rock, but neither is any life on any chunk of rock on the Earth seeing as we formed in the Primordial Muck. Hell, if the Panspermia theory is correct, no life is native to the Earth at all! You may say I'm getting petty and overly technical BUT I DO NOT CARE AS I WILL MURDER YOU JUST TO BE RIGHT BITCH. Gorvar: Wow dude, take it easy, you're letting the Red Marker control your mind. You have to make it whole again. Haegemonia: Pfft, like that Marker's got shit on me, that bismuth-coated bitch can't handle my mind. Haegemonia: Huh, y’know, it seems strange they would go through all that effort to give that planet an atmosphere when people are just going to wear oxygen masks. I mean, sure, at least it negates the need for pressure and/or radiation suits and, even if the atmosphere is breathable, it’s still safer to use a mask, but that just begs the question: Why even terraform the goddamn planet in the first place? I have to believe changing the entire ecology of a planet is a bit more difficult and expensive then just making everyone wear full-body suits while outside. When you’re going to tear the planet to shreds anyways it seems kind of silly to go through all that work, especially considering an atmosphere would actually impede cracking the planet. Haegemonia: It’s like being an assassin and giving your target a bullet proof vest before shooting them, or being a child molester and putting a warning on the side of your van that says you molest children; it just impedes the whole process unnecessarily, especially when you want to get things done quickly before the authorities arrive. Gorvar: For an illegal operation they really do come well prepared... Those suits come 20 000 creds a pop! I had to kill like a shitload of Necromorphs for that money! Seriously how many billions of dollars did they waste on this place? And if so, where the hell did the money come from? The government? Well, not really since they wouldn't want these bozo's to mine on a planet where the shit hit the fan years ago. Reminds me of planet Zebes.... Haegemonia: Maybe there's just some Executive somewhere with a shitload of Large Med Packs and Diamond Superconductors who's constantly selling them to a virtual store. Haegemonia: “Alright guys, watch your footing. Now, let’s slide down this hill like we’re riding bitchin’ snowboards, don’t be afraid to leap from precipice to precipice. Hey! Don’t go off track! That’s right, slide directly towards those cushiony jagged rocks. Safety first.” Gorvar: Hey if Tarzan could board vines, branches and shit, this is ok to! Haegemonia: It's sort of like how Peter Pan could fly so now every kid knows its safe to jump off tall buildings. Haegemonia: Okay, it’s nice to see that the CEC provides their teams with not only horrible safety training and substandard light sources, but also with the means to sodomize any threat they come across. Gorvar: To be fair what do they expect to fight out there, Ze Germans?! Haegemonia: That's ridiculous. Everyone knows the Germans don't really exist, like the Easter Bunny or venereal diseases. Haegemonia: Wow, either the Marker has grown fifty feet or this survey crew is compromised entirely of Rescue Rangers. Gorvar: That looks a tad familiar. Haegemonia: In case you hear a whirring sound right now, that's just Arthur C. Clarke spinning in his grave like a fucking jet turbine for having one of his works referenced in a review for a video game tie-in movie. Gorvar: Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Ishimura. It's continuing mission: To rip planets rip apart like a three-year old on a sugar high at Christmas and to to boldly go to get killed by space ninja zombies in ways no-one has been killed before! Haegemonia: Now you're just describing the plot of the latest Zack Snyder movie. Gorvar: It's just like the game, only it's not... And it's anime! You know, shit! Haegemonia: Oh shit son, tonight the Gamefaqs forums will run orange with the foaming spittle and Cheeto dust issuing forth from a thousand unwashed, neck-bearded forumites in their impotent fury over what you just said. Haegemonia: Many a key will be broken on their keyboards as they condemn you to hell forever for saying anime is shit. Which it kinda is. Gorvar: Bakugan still doesn't make any fucking sense to me. Seriously, the little girl from the Dungeons and Dragons movie having the rod that controls an army of fucking dragons makes more sense then anime. Gorvar: And here is our main character, Alissa Vincent. Good god for an 18 plus movie you would think they would show us some boobs or something after a shower scene, but no! Look movie if you want to be a proper mature movie about ninja space zombies, we want you to go further and introduce some space boobs, just saying. Gorvar: Anyway I do dig the voice activated lights off, light's off shtick. Reminds me of Blade Runner somehow. Did you understand that movie? I sure as hell didn't. Haegemonia: Don't worry, judging by the IMDB forums most people understand neither that movie nor what an purposefully ambiguous movie is. Gorvar: Now I feel oh so special. Gorvar: ... And we're back on Aegis 7, ready to tear some shit apart, whoo! You gotta love the stereotypical chat though. Employer: Durrr people start going insane and killing each other after we found this possible alien artefact, I wonder if there is a connection. (Mexican) Worker: The devil is at work here senor, he will kill us all of we take the artefact with us. Employer: Shut up you Mexican bastard, tear that shit up! Wow, even in space the White man is a giant dick. Seriously didn't any of these guys at least watch a movie about Alien contact? If people start killing each other and crazy shit starts happening after finding a alien artefact, stop what you are doing and nuke the fucking object from orbit. But then again we wouldn't have a shitty plot now do we? Haegemonia: Man, I get where your going with the whole "superstitious Mexican worker" schtick, but all I see when I look at this scene are two Mr. Potato Head dolls riding headless robot bodies. Gorvar: Do tell how, my batshit insane friend. Haegemonia: Dude, look at them: They have giant noses, oddly close together eyes, absurdly positioned mouths with bizarre proportions, ridiculous hair that looks like they came straight out of the 80s, tiny foreheads, and an overall lumpy shaped skull. They are goddamn Mr. Potato Heads; well, either that, or the mental image Glenn Beck has of Jews. Gorvar: Dude, don't invoke the name of Glenn Beck! If he sees this movie he might actually understand that global warming DOES exist! Haegemonia: Don't worry, according to the urban legend you have to say his name three times in a mirror for him to actually appear; woe be to the poor fool who tries it though. I heard that's what happened to Dennis Hopper, he did it on a bet from Al Pacino and they found his body the next day in his motel bathroom, covered in Goldline receipts and freeze-dried beef stroganoff. Gorvar: How odd we start off with a sf setting with zombies in 'em and we end up insulting a once great actor. The internets man, they be hatin'..... Haegemonia: I really think we need to talk about Dr. Kyne, or rather, his voice actor Keith Szarabajka. Gorvar: As far as I know he is the only voice actor to reprise his role in both this anime and the game, so I can at least add this guy is loyal to his shit. Haegemonia: He is also the only voice actor in this franchise to make my heart tremble and to break out into cold sweats; he makes me want to take off my purity ring and let him usher me into womanhood. Haegemonia: I mean, I'm not talking Liam Neeson or Lance Hendrickson induced levels of arousal here, but pretty close. Gorvar: Steven Blum here, possibly Kevin Conroy if I want to be gay. Haegemonia: It's only gay if you write a slash-fic about them. I learned that the hard way after I wrote that slash-fic about Stephen Fry and Stephen Russell: A Tale of Two Stephens Haegemonia: As much as I want to know how the hell that hologram is just floating there even though Kyne has turned himself (and thus his holo-projector) in the opposite direction, I think the bigger issue here is why the Ishimura has employed Ginger Earthworm Jim as a nurse. Gorvar: In the 41st millennium, there are only long cranial diseases. To be fair, most video game adaptations in media like movies and series have nothing in common with their video game counterparts, so for bitching on something like holographic projectors compared to the Super Mario Bros Movie, we should let that one pass.... Haegemonia: Wow, three sentences in and we've already mentioned both Earthworm Jim and the Super Mario Brothers Movie, I think we just need to part ways now and kill ourselves. It's the only way to save what little dignity we have left. Gorvar: Dignity? Son we are long past dignity when we started this review. At least this way, we can get some lulz for our bullshit opinions and inside jokes. Speaking of, who's up for some Necromorph soup?! http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/miracle-of-sound/2986-Necromorph-Soup Haegemonia: I'm getting my noose. Gorvar: Oh man, so many things going for this one.... I mean at first I felt like I was playing Homefront for some reason cuz of the holograms and shit, except it has ninja space zombies in 'em. The other is that this chick she's so bad ass with her jacket that she thinks she can persuade the captain with her...Jack Bauer-esque groove? Seriously kudos for the giving the bird salute there. Haegemonia: Is it just me, or could this scene not have been made better with Matthius pimp-slapping Alissa? Just turn to her and go "BOOM BITCH!", really lay her out with the back of his hand, man, straight up Gangsta. Haegemonia: To be fair, most things can be made better with the addition of pimp-slapping. Gorvar: Well to be fair the Captain can only go batshit insane during Act II, or else the movie would be to silly. Well as silly as a sci-fi horror animated film can be over ninja space zombies. Haegemonia: Are you steppin' to Matthius bitch? MC Captain Matthius AKA MC-CM ain't takin' none of yo shit fo'rizzle. Gorvar: Neah, only Captain Benjamin 'dont fuck with' Sisko can get away with dialogue like that. Haegemonia: Oh, it's on now muthafucka, if you gonna try and front this you gonna get yo' ass stomped to the curb. I'm talkin' Matthius is gonna straight crump at you so hard, homies'll be pourin' forties on yo' head bi-otch. Gorvar: I have no idea what your saying dude.... Haegemonia: Yo, yo, muthafuckas, Matthius is about to shake down this house, y'feel? Haegemonia: They call me Matthius, CM on the Ishimura/ Getting panties wet from Ripley to Uhura/ Fo' me hoes can't keep 'em legs together/ I'd be drawing bitches in like a Gravity Tether Gorvar: Oh, I see how it is, it's on now muthafucka. Gorvar: Yo yo, this is the motherfucking Sisko/ Shooting them Necromorphs like he's dancing in a muthafucking disco/ Dude has the muthafucking Defiant/ his dick should belong to a goddamn giant! Haegemonia: Bitch getting up, thinking your rhymes be heaven/ Step to me, rip ya apart like Aegis VII/ Think you be big? I'd be dwarfing the Marker/ Whip out mah dick, room gets a lil' bit darker Gorvar: I think we're whitter then vanilla ice now... Haegemonia: So? There were white people doing rap long before anyone else; they were called the Scottish. Haegemonia: Seriously, have you ever read "To a Mouse"? It's literally all slang loosely being rhymed together, which, the last time I checked, is exactly how one would define rap. Gorvar: Does a Mouse's petition count? I'm sure Anna Aikin totally thought of that when she wrote that shit up. Haegemonia: No, because when a woman uses poor grammar and slang she's just illiterate. Haegemonia: Planet Cracking: It kinda looks like a planet is taking a shit. Gorvar: I'm wondering more why every Englishman in space sounds like a fucking asshole. Haegemonia: In the future, all space-faring vessels will be required by law to carry at least one pompous British person to act haughty and dismissive towards others. Gorvar: Might explain why they had Councilor Troi on Enterprise. Still...I got a question. How the hell can the Ishumura salvage a piece of rock the size of Texas, to put it like Micheal Bay, when the Ishumura is so friggin' small? Haegemonia: Simple: Graviton manipulation, accurately portrayed here as magical blue lasers. Which make noise. Because, you know, that's how gravity works. Gorvar: And as we all know, sound travels through space swimmingly, because there is no nasty oxygen to slow them down. Haegemonia: That's true, which is why they worked so hard to muffle the noise from the giant space propeller on the back of the ship. Gorvar: Cant have the space wars from Empire Strikes Back complaining! Oh my god, sound in space makes no sense! You could have Austrian Death Machine playing in the Ishimura and nobody would hear fucking anything! Also, who has the smart idea to salvage entire friggin' planets? Wont that throw the entire solar system outta whack? Haegemonia: Oh, don't buy into the lame-stream media says about Planet-Cracking, there's no proven link between planetary mining and solar system instability. Haegemonia: The only reason anyone brings this up is because the Unitologists control the media and the galaxy's finances. Gorvar: I didn't even mention Unitologists, besides we all know those guys are more batshit insane then a Japanese schoolgirl who first visits a giant octopus and decides to mate with it. Haegemonia: All I know is that those crazy Marker-Heads are ruining EarthGov, sucking the life out of this Space-Country. Haegemonia: I don't want my Monkey-Cat Hybrid daughter being taught about Ascension in her Learning Pod; Convergence is just a theory! First thing you know they're teaching my Government Assigned Genetic Experiment about how we all developed from sentient rocks, the next thing you know she's going out with some dirty Uni, twisting her hands in some heathen way to pray to the Marker like she has cerebral palsy! Gorvar: Could be worse, she could be worshiping that Emperor dude the Space Marines are all dying for. Wait, monkey-cat hybrid dau... Haeg, you been playing Impossible Creatures again? Haegemonia: Don't try and change the subject! That's what you space-liberals always try to do, just like at space-congress when you tried to get rid of that space-law which says we have to add space onto the beginning of words so people will know it's the future. I'm bringing the truth to the people! DON'T SPACE-TREAD ON ME. Gorvar: I'll try... I guess. Okay seriously, I think you got a WEE bit to close to the Marker there dude. Haegemonia: The only thing I got close to is the truth! What's more, I didn't vote for Obamatron-7x23a MKII for space-president! I've never met anyone who has! Besides, where is his space-warranty? How do we even know he was constructed by a fully certified cyborg production facility if we don't have his space-warranty? What are your obfuscation protocols hiding from us Obamatron? Haegemonia: Ok, wow, why does this ship's medical bay have chains and manacles? Does it also come with its own gimp? Gorvar: I have a feeling the good doctor is into some kinky stuff with his nurse... Haegemonia: He'd better be careful; that chin of hers looks capable of cutting diamonds. Gorvar: Isn't that a Chuck Norris chin tho? Oh hell, this movie would've been over in minutes if there was a Chuck Norris on board. Who needs a geeky engineer anyway when you got the man with a fist for a chin. Haegemonia: ... Haegemonia: Did you honestly just make a fucking Chuck Norris joke? Gorvar: It's a long review, I'm running out of ideas! Haegemonia: Bitch, we aren't haven't even finished a third of this review and you're already turning to Chuck Norris jokes; I can't even goddamn look at you. You make me fucking sick. Gorvar: Hey, you try to write a shitload of reviews on other films and try to have enough material for this one. Hell my biggest complaint in this one was the lack of sex, and we got that in the sequel, but that one sucked to! Clearly it shows space does suck, not blow! Thank you! Haegemonia: Gorvar. Haegemonia: Gorvar. Gorvar: What, we doing the annoying orange gag now, mister cant-take-a-fucking-Chuck-Norris joke? Haegemonia: No, I just needed to get you to focus all of your attention on your computer. Gorvar: Yeh sorry about that, need to up my crazy pills. So where were we? Haegemonia: It's not really about where you and I were, it's about where you and I are now. Gorvar: Where are me and you then? Haegemonia: Well, actually, that question has two distinctly different answers. You have just finished driving me into a murderous rage and are currently focusing on your computer with the utmost assiduity, as I had requested. I, on the other hand, have just finished tracking your IP address and, well... Haegemonia: Do you remember that scene in American Psycho where Christian Bale had that nail gun? Gorvar: No I don't watch crap. Ooooooh..... I feel I'm going to karmasized in a minute aren't I? Haegemonia: Let me put it this way: An answering machine would have been a wise investment on your part. Gorvar: I kinda had an Indiana Jones vibe here, right until I saw them pile of corpses. Still looking at those corpses, I got the feeling Space Jack the Ripper went bat shit insane while on steroids. Haegemonia: Indiana Jones and The Morgue of MRSA Gorvar: Might explain what those top men were investigating. Haegemonia: "In this latest installment, Indiana comes face to face with his greatest foe yet: Jim, the autistic brother of the mortician who snuck into the morgue again and had a fucking hey-day; can Indiana solve the mystery of who the hell keeps leaving the goddamn key where that retard can find it before the OSHA inspector arrives?" Haegemonia: Actually, wait, stop. I don't want to bring Indiana into Dead Space, what with there being aliens in Dead Space and all. It brings up painful memories. Gorvar: I hear ya buddy; Lucas hasn't make a good film since 1999. Oh yes, we're dissing on Episode I here as well. Haegemonia: I remember those dark days, the day we were sent into that theater of Star Wars. My old chap Gregory was chucking about with those gobs Wendel and Meyers, the feelings of youth and innocence hanging in the air. Bright faced young lads doing nothing but telling yarns, eager to head off to the front. When we arrived, there before us stretched trenches of stained purple fabric, teaming with so many just like us; everyone thought these wars would be just like the ones our parents had been part of, they didn't know. Dear god, we didn't know. Haegemonia: We were beset by all sides: Midichlorians on the left, Pod Racers driving down the center, pussy-ass Anakin on the right, all the while being pounded by every fucking word issuing from Jar Jar Binks mouth. At that moment, all the light went out of an entire generation's worth of eyes. Going into that theater was a raucous chorus of kids, full of vibrancy of life; coming out, a silent procession of soul-dead figures, forever staring blankly a thousand yards ahead, as if the world was gone and only ashes remained. Gorvar: What you just said is actually scarier then this whole damn movie. I'm not sure what to think of it to be honest... Haegemonia: As the years went on, we were sent out again and again, only the thinnest threads of consciousness keeping our dead husks driving us back and forth; by the time we were done with Episode III, all the good in the world seemed to have bled away, as if life itself had sunk into the loam. There was no more joy, no more light; each breath tasted of rust and felt as if particles of glass were suspended in the air. Though, despite having had the love inside of us burnt out, we took solace in the belief that the atrocities of Lucas and Spielberg had come to an end. Then came Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Gorvar: Who knew it needed a nuclear explosion and Shea Lebuttfuck to screw over an awesome film franchise? Haegemonia: ARGH WHY DID YOU NEED TO REMIND ME ABOUT THE DAMN FRIDGE SCENE!? Gorvar: Because it was the only good scene in that movie! Haegemonia: ...I just vomited out of sheer rage. Haegemonia: Once again we see the "every ship in space must have a British asshole as one of their officers" law in effect, also known as Badger's Law. Gorvar: I still stand it makes more sense then Brannigan's Law. Haegemonia: Supreme Court overturned Brannigan's Law in favour of Baltar's Law as a supplementary law to Badger's; Baltar's Law makes the allowance for British assholes forcing American accents, as long as their real accents are either Cockney or Yorkshire-based and these accents are used when engaging in particularly dickish moves or wistful flashbacks. Gorvar: True, but then again with Brannigan's law you get to wear red miniskirts... For men! Haegemonia: Yes, but Brannigan's Law didn't really apply to spaceships, only red Telephone Booths. Also, it ignored the Beckett Clause which states that, when all involved parties are British, the douchebag must have a Westminster accent and be, quote, "...snooty as fuck". It did, however, help set the framework for the statute which requires all British dickheads to have their last names start with a "B". Gorvar: I do like middle-aged Rorszach here. He sounds like a war veteran and how he thinks they're being radio jammed... Do they ever explain how or why? I mean did Aegis VII finally decide to fuck up the Ishimura and the Colony and tell the Necromorphs to go ahead and have a good time? Dude, Necromorph Queen would be awesome... Haegemonia: I would go along with you and talk about White and magnetic waves and whatever the fuck you're saying, but I'm still transfixed by Chic; more precisely, those glasses. Look at them: There are just a pair of lens without any supports, clasps, or anything. It's like the monocle of the 26th century. Gorvar: Twin monocles, because only one isn't doucebag-ey enough. Haegemonia: Well, in his defense, the only eyewear British douchebags are allowed is monocles; it's similar with facial hair, the only thing being allowed is the "Brand-ian Goatee". Haegemonia: A while back, though, there was a movement to let British douchebags pretending to be German to have normal goatees, though it never got anywhere.; the case of "Gruber V. McClane" ended prematurely when the court decided to drop Gruber's Case. Off a building. Gorvar: Beats the Officer Winslow shooting the Urkel kid case. Poor bastard... Gorvar: And at this point my inner Hudson goes 'They're coming outta the goddamn walls!' Game over man, game over! Haegemonia: Man, don't you hate it when you come home from a long day of work only to discover that the walls and ceiling and floors are covered with what appears to be semen? Gorvar: I'm surprised none of those survivor just pushed a few Necromorphs aside and went 'fuck off, I'm going on my Xbox and play Dark Souls for an hour.' Haegemonia: Dark Souls: Farmville for the Neck-Bearded. Gorvar: And only fitting in a Dead Space setting. At the end of a playthrough you would be wishing for dead anyway. You know seeing people dying is making me hungry, you up for some bacon? Gorvar: You could say she should've... Kept ahead? Haegemonia: I would become apoplectic with rage again at that reference, but I'm pretty sure the first Austin Power is now old enough such that references to it qualify as ironic; given this, I'm going to let you proceed, as I know there isn't much of window between "clichéd" and "hipster fodder". Gorvar: Dude, bad puns are part of a riff! It's like rule number 1. Haegemonia: I'm pretty sure this is rule number one. Gorvar: Hang on, let me get my Internet rule book. -skips a few pages- Oh whatcha know, rule Number 1 is not to talk about Fight Club. Haegemonia: Alright, even though I'm pretty sure Fight Club references still falls under the umbrella of "clichéd crap", I'm going to let you have that one because I'm a little ashamed of that Rick-Rolling. Haegemonia: Be warned though, any more and I will ensure you follow ol' Pez-neck's lead here. Gorvar: You love me really. Anyway, I kinda just now saw she was in her smallclothes when she cut herself. So what, Necromorphs make you horny? Oh god I have flashbacks of a sex fanfic between two Necro's.... Haegemonia: If you didn't like A Tale of Two Stephens you didn't have to read it. Haegemonia: Guess Who: Extreme Edition Gorvar: I got so many Aliens quotes coming up right now it's ridiculous. So I'll just stick with 'they're coming out of the goddamn walls!' Haegemonia: Gorvar, I'm becoming concerned with your fixation on Aliens. Is there something you're not telling me? Gorvar: I'm sexually attracted to Sigourney Weaver, only reason why I went to watch Avatar or Ghostbusters.... Haegemonia: Really? Then why have you been focusing on Bill Paxton's character whenever quoting from Aliens? Gorvar: Because, SHUT UP! Haegemonia: Now I'm starting to understand why you hid that DVD of Club Dread and those pictures of Bill Paxton under your mattress. Haegemonia: You know, this right here is actually alot more true to the story of Snow White than what Disney did. Gorvar: She was a awesome scientist once, then she took an arrow through the knee. Haegemonia: Internet memes are getting way out of fucking hand. I don't even have Skyrim yet and still have heard that phrase way too many goddamn times. Gorvar: To be hones there dude, we've been writing this sucker down for over a year or something now. so by the time other folk get to read this stuff, that meme is so old, it's retro or everyone forgot Haegemonia: That's not the point, it's the principle of it; you and your damn memes keep derailing our commentary from salient matters, like Snow White and necrophilia. Gorvar: It was sleeping beauty with the necrophillia isn't it? Then she had twins who woke her up by sucking on her tata's or something. Haegemonia: That was an Italian variant, and it was her finger; in the traditional telling a prince just kisses Sleeping Beauty (though, yes, she is basically dead, so necrophilia was at play). In Snow White, however, she dies and remains dead due to a piece of poisoned apple lodged in her throat, at which point the prince falls in love with her corpse and whisks her away. Haegemonia: Thankfully, before the prince can commit corpsey date-rape, his incompetent servants drop the coffin and knock the piece of apple out of her throat which brings her back to life. Gorvar: Heh, who knew an opposite existed for rule 34? Haegemonia: Unfortunately, even then Rule 34 was unbreakable; there are several contemporary folk variations which wouldn't look out of place in a Dario Argento film. Haegemonia: Well, except for the fact that if it were a Dario Argento film, Snow White would be played by Asia Argento, there would be about ten times more rape scenes, and every one of said scenes would be accompanied by a strange grunting and constant thwacking noise from behind the camera. Gorvar: I remember a funny factoid that during the opening of Ichi the Killer you saw a lot of sperm somewhere and some of it was the director's contribution. You see we need more directors who are this much involved with their films. Haegemonia: I think Uwe Boll takes a huge shit on every movie he directs. Does that count? Gorvar: It's Uwe Boll, it goes without saying. Haegemonia: Alright now, see, this is what a Dario Argento movie looks like: A guy with a late 70s gay porn 'stache getting stabbed and vomiting up a combination of blood and semen. Gorvar: Is it to much to ask to see straight porn? I mean honestly... And why do you keep mentioning Argento? The only porn star I know somehow ended up killing several people in some heist gone wrong a la Heat. Haegemonia: You know, with the right editing, this could easily be a PSA warning about the dangers of bladder infections. Gorvar: With the right editing, this could be a better movie! With prostitutes and blackjack and space battles! You know what, screw the blackjack and the prostitutes! Haegemonia: When the universe was in its darkest hour, when evil forces reign and the innocent are plagued by urinary tract infections, the galaxy needs a hero, the galaxy needs... Scrot Fondler: Twink Warrior. Haegemonia: From his vessel, the UMS Rough Service, he fights to rid the galaxy of evil, one itchy urethra at a time. Gorvar: Where does it say the cure consists of getting stabbed by space ninja zombies? Haegemonia: It's all part of the job of a sleezy gay space warrior who fights UTIs, along with cranberry juice and herpes medication. Gorvar: For the love of GOD, focus man! We're watching space ninja zombies in SPACE! Let it go! Haegemonia: While I'd like to just ignore the blood in people's urine and fight monsters, neither Captain Fondler nor I can do so with a clear conscience; speaking of which, I have some terrible news about the blood in your urine: It's not due to an infection, it's prostate cancer. Gorvar: Commentating this film with you, I'm surprised I didn't get an STD with it as well. You sir, are the winter of my fucking discontent. Haegemonia: Actually, you might want to hold off on the matter of STDs until later; Captain Fondler has volunteered to preform the "necessary" procedures to examine the tumor, and I'm pretty sure that sore under his 'stache isn't from bumping his lip on a biscuit. Haegemonia: Wow, Matthius is a dickhead. Haegemonia: Like, literally, his head is shaped like a dick. Gorvar: I just don't get why Kyne hasn't called Matthius insane earlier. I mean the dude is more bonkers than Hannibal Lecter on steroids or Sam Neil in Event Horizon. Quick, call Laurence Fishburne! Haegemonia: Maybe it has something to do with their horrendously mangled noses. Do you watch "The Walking Dead"? That one guy with the nose that looked like a miniaturized version of Steve Buscemi's head was a fucking lunatic and no one really started calling him out on it until mid-second season. Gorvar: Oh god "The Walking Dead" is so awesome, why the hell are we watching this shit while we could be watching awesome zombie shit? It's not like we're getting paid for this. Haegemonia: As much as I enjoy "The Walking Dead" it sometimes feels less like a show about survivors of a zombie outbreak and more like a post-modern drama which just happens to have zombies. Gorvar: Yeh, but that redneck guy with the crossbow is fucking awesome. Haegemonia: I preferred crazy grandpa who dressed as if perpetually having come back from fishing. Gorvar: He was cool too. You know the sheriff guy is actually English doing a Southern accent? Haegemonia: You can always tell when it's a British guy doing an American accent; they always force it. Seriously, Christian Bale and that guy who plays House force it so badly that I'm worried their larynx are going to shoot out through their gritted teeth like that of a vuvuzela-playing South African woman. Gorvar: Dude....Christian Bale is English? Haegemonia: Remember, when in doubt, look for the Brand-ian goatee. Gorvar: I don't know what's worse. That revelation or the stupid amount of work you had to do to look up those pictures. Worst of all... You forgot the bad guy from Twister! Owned! Haegemonia: And there you go with the Bill Paxton movies again; Gorvar, seriously man, I'm really getting worried here. Gorvar: I don't know! I need help! Next scene! Gorvar: Fuck you Heathrow custoooooooooms! Haegemonia: You might say that he's riding into a zone... Of danger. Gorvar: I think we just made this review a bit classier... As long we don't play that take my breath away bullshit, hate that song. Haegemonia: Indeed, nothing says "classy" like gay sex jokes, internet memes, prostate cancer, and Kenny Loggins. We're the image of perfect gentlemen. Gorvar: The only thing missing is a rape joke and we are officially internet pariahs. Haegemonia: It's actually pretty difficult to be a pariah on the internet; there's always some group in the darkest and deepest recesses of cyberspace who are only too willing to entertain your vilest of fantasies and most craven of exhortations. Gorvar: Isn't that how we joined this wiki? Haegemonia: And that, kids, is what happens when you don't brush your teeth: You turn into a horrifying undead abomination. With gingivitis. Gorvar: Same goes with Marriage. One day everything is honkey dorey, the next your wife turns into a ninja space zombie and tries to eat your face off. C'est la vie. Haegemonia: You know what they say: "Why buy the cow when the neighbours' cat's in heat?" Gorvar: Who says that? Animal Lovers? Really hardcore Animal Lovers? That have sex with animals? Haegemonia: No- well, maybe; I get all my romantic advice from a hobo who lives in the bushes behind my house. Gorvar: I beat up my hobos and force them into Mortal Kombat, survivor gets 24 hour access to my fridge. Haegemonia: I'm not sure that would work with my hobo. He just spends all his time screaming at trees and watching the kids from the nearby school during their recess. Gorvar: Send him to me, with my help he could be one of the best. Haegemonia: Just don't make eye-contact with him; seriously, the last time someone did the ensuing scene looked alot like this one here. Haegemonia: Except with more raving about plots by Jewish gnomes. Gorvar: You might say that marriage.... Went up in flames. Haegemonia: I was wondering where you got those shades. Gorvar: I have more if your interested. I got like... Six. Haegemonia: No, I'm alright, I'll just drink some vinegar or something if I want to feel like a douche. Gorvar: I'm having Episode III flashbacks here... Oh god, what I would do for some space dinosaurs. Or boobs... Or both. Haegemonia: ... Haegemonia: Alright, I think that's about a good as time as any to end this first session off; okay folks, that was the first part of three for our review of Dead Space: Downfall! How do you feel about that Gorvar? Gorvar: I feel like I got hit by a truck full of cancer and I'm pretty sure I hate you more then I did before. Haegemonia: Not more than I hate myself for doing this, I assure you good sir. Haegemonia: Then again, I did end up spending all my time talking about your creepy obsession with Bill Paxton. Gorvar: Fuck you! Haegemonia: See you next part, folks! Category:Blog posts